The book they
tried to ban
 Horrible
Histories cause trouble! Take the Horrible History of the
USA, for example. The first American to read it called Terry
"contemptible", so he knew he must be doing something
right. It says one or two nasty things about the USA's past
… but of course that's nothing to what Terry has said
about the UK countries in the past!
It seems some folk in the USA have had surgery to have their
sense-of-humour removed! Never mind - you can read all about
MOST of it in the UK edition.
"Most? Not all?" you ask!
No! because there were so many horrible things to say about
the US the British publishers ran out of space and had to
cut some of the stories. You will never get to read them …
except they can be published here, on this page of the website
below. EXCLUSIVE. ONLY FOR CLUB MEMBERS!
So. Here it is … the Horrible History of the US they
DIDN'T publish …………
Careful
Christopher Columbus
Christopher Columbus was a pretty cruel invader of the Americas.
Why? Was Cruel Chris right to be so cruel? What was he afraid
of? Perhaps he was afraid of being eaten!
After all, that's what happened to other explorers of the
1500s. Juan Diaz de Solis and Giovanni de Verrazano were both
supposed to have ended up as the main course at a tribal tea
party!
War
of Independence against the British
Terrible teenager
Once the real shooting started in 1775 the Americans went
back to their bad old ways. At the North Bridge near Lexington
the British army retreated but left behind a wounded soldier.
The Brit general Gage was shocked by what happened next …
Illustration: General Gage, talking head
| Gage:
An American youth ran across the bridge and attacked the
wounded soldier with an axe. The poor man was scalped,
his head was mangled and his ears cut off while he was
still alive. |
A real teenie terror by the sound of it. Or maybe he wanted
to be a hairdresser when he grew up and he was getting a bit
of practice!
Warren's
last words
Joseph Warren was a rebel leader who fought in the Battle
of Bunker Hill. He was killed and the Brits got hold of his
body.
Warren became famous in America for his famous last words
… and for his false teeth.
 |
Warren's
false teeth were made by another famous rebel, Paul Revere.
The Brits buried Warren's corpse and nearly a year later
the Americans dug up their hero to give him a proper grave.
|
|
After
all that time he was a bit of a mouldy hero. That's when
Paul Revere looked at the false teeth and said … |
Paul Revere examines mouldy corpse.
| Revere:
Those are the teeth I made for Warren! This is definitely
his body! |
The first time in history that dental records have been used
to identify a corpse.
|
As
for those famous last words … reports SAID Warren
was wounded but called out gallantly … |
Warren dying heroically in arms of comrade cries …
|
Warren:
I am a dead man, fight on my brave fellows, and save
your country!
Comrade: What a hero!
|
BUT
… many people reported seeing Warren die in the battle.
They said he was shot in the face and the bullet went straight
into his brain. It is very tricky trying to say such famous
last words with a hole in your face and a bullet in your brain!
The truth? Warren's famous last words were as false as his
teeth!
Happy
Harp Families
Don't feel too sorry for Wiley Harp. He was also known as
"Little Harp". His big brother Micajah was known
as "Big Harp" for some reason.
They weren't very nice people to have living next door to
you … or even a few thousands doors away! In fact they
were nutters!
By 1790s they were terrorising Tennessee, with their girl-friends,
sisters Susan and Betsy Roberts.
Then Little Harp married a preacher's daughter - Sally Rice
and she became one of the horrible Harps and joined in their
disgusting deeds
|
Big
Harp didn't like kids - which probably meant he's make
a good teacher. He killed Sally's child - which would
probably get him the sack if he had become a teacher.
|
|
The
Harps preyed on small town of Knoxville, stealing horse,
hogs and sheep. (While Sally's dad had probably prayed
on his knees.) |
|
When
anyone complained, his house was burnt down. |
|
A
posse caught gang but they escaped. That night brothers
dragged a man from the local tavern, slit his belly till
his guts spilled out. They filled the gutless stomach
with stones and tossed the corpse into the river. |
|
In
December 1798, the brothers and their women were caught.
Little and Big Harp were chained to the floor of a log
cell in Kentucky but they escaped by breaking through
the wall. |
|
That
spring, the three women, still in jail, all gave birth
to baby Harps. To save cash, the Knoxville townsfolk set
them free. |
|
Meanwhile
Big and Little Harp had killed at least another 5 people,
including a boy aged 13. He was killed for the bag of
flour he was carrying. He was cut into pieces - and probably
dropped the bag of flour as a result. |
|
In
1799 the Harps were hiding in a riverside cave, they captured
a boat, killed all the crew except one unlucky bloke.
During a drunken party the Harps tied this prisoner to
a blindfolded horse, then whipped the horse into a panic.
Horse ran over cliff and horse and rider died sadly -
or saddle-y. |
|
The
Harps killed a woman and her baby (they never learned
to like babies did they?) At last vigilantes caught them.
Little Harp escaped but Big Harp was shot and wounded.
He then slowly had his head cut off with his own knife.-
by the husband of the dead woman and baby. |
|
Big
Harp's head was then stuck on a pole as a warning. Incredibly,
the Harp women were set free. |
Prairie
poetry
It wasn't only the US Army who were killers in the hills and
prairies of the west. The poets could be pretty deadly too!
As one wrote …
|
Noble Indians of the plains
Pouncing on unguarded trains,
Where you come and where you go
Army scouts would love to know!
Burning here and scalping there,
East and west and everywhere!
|
Talk
American
Of
course, it isn't only the place names that are peculiar. Any
British person will tell you Americans talk in a peculiar
way!
They have mangled and strangled the English language so it
is no surprise that it can lead them to a nasty end. Which
serves them right, as this little story shows …
Illustration: presented as an illustrated play-script
| Title: |
"The
Flat Flattening" |
| Cast: |
|
| Hank
Yank |
-
a brash American visitor |
| Joe |
- an ageing English caretaker of a block of flats |
| Jill
Mills |
-
an genteel English resident of the flats
|
| Scene:
|
a
block of flats, footsteps ring on the marble floor of
the entrance lobby. A visitor rings a bell
|
| Joe: |
Good afternoon, sir. |
| Hank: |
Howdy!
Are you the janitor? |
| Joe: |
No,
sir, I'm the caretaker. "Janitor" is an American
expression, and you're in England now! We speak English
over here. |
| Hank: |
But
I'm an American and I speak English. Hank Yank's the name!
I'm on vacation. |
| Joe: |
I think you mean holiday. Welcome to Britain, sir. |
| Hank: |
I'm
looking for a pal … |
| Joe: |
A
friend? |
| Hank:
|
Her
name's Jill Mills. |
| Joe: |
Miss
Mills has a flat in this building. |
| Hank: |
A
flat what? |
| Joe: |
No
… she lives in a flat. |
| Hank:
|
You
mean an apartment? |
| Joe: |
If
you say so. She has a room on the first floor! |
| Jill:
|
(Calls
down) Hank! Come on up! |
| Hank:
|
Hi,
Jill! This janitor said you lived on the first floor!
What're you doing on the second floor? |
| Jill: |
This
is the first floor! |
| Hank: |
In
America we call it the second floor! Confusing! |
| Jill: |
Come up in the lift! |
| Hank: |
Haven't
you got an elevator? |
| Joe:
|
The
lift is the correct English word for elevator, sir. |
| Hank: |
Are
you saying my English is not correct, buddy? Because if
you are I'll take you out on the sidewalk and beat you! |
| Joe: |
I
think you mean "pavement", sir. You want to
take me out onto the "pavement". |
| Hank: |
Right,
buddy, I've had enough! I'm going back to the States! |
| FX: |
doors
clatter open. Sound of heavy traffic. |
| Joe: |
(Calls)
Mind the dustbin, sir. |
| Hank: |
The
what? |
| FX:
|
clattering of dustbin, cry from Hank, screech of brakes,
splat of lorry running over Hank. Footsteps running down
outside steps. |
| Jill:
|
I
say, Joe, what happened? |
| Joe: |
He
tripped over the dustbin and fell under this lorry. |
| Hank:
|
It
was a trash-can I fell over - and I was hit by a truck.
(Gurgle) |
| Jill: |
Is
he badly hurt? |
| Joe: |
I don't know the American word for it. |
| Jill: |
The
same as the English word … dead! |
Good
as gold
The Forty-niners were a pretty racist bunch. They hated Indians,
Blacks, Chinese and Mexicans - especially Chinese and Mexicans
who worked for such low wages.
In 1850, California put a work tax on "foreign labour"
to try to keep out these poor workers.
What would you do if you were a Mexican who couldn't work?
Many Mexicans became bandits, raiding mines and stagecoaches.
These Mexican bandits are the origin of the legend of Joaquin
Murieta.
Joaquin who? Here's a fast fact-file on the fantastic feller
…
Jolly
Joaquin
-
It's said that during the California Gold Rush Joaquin
Murieta stole from rich and gave to poor! Joaquin
was America's own Robin Hood!
-
In 1853 the Governor of California offered reward
of $1,000 for the head of Joaquin.
-
Captain Harry Love, had been a law officer known as
a Texas Ranger. He was also a well-known Indian killer
and was given job of finding Joaquin. Love gathered
a gang of 20 riders, mostly known killers, and began
to terrorise Mexican peasants and workers for information.
-
At Cantua Creek, Love's gang found a small Mexican
camp. 2 Mexicans were captured - one was later drowned,
the other lynched - and 2 killed on the spot while
3 escaped.
-
Love then identified one of the dead as Joaquin Murieta
… even though no description of this Robin Hood
was known.
-
An other corpse had only 3 fingers on one hand. Love
said that this was Manuel Garcia or "Three-Fingered
Jack", Murieta's assistant - a bit like Little
John to Robin Hood. Love then cut off the head of
"Murieta" and cut off the 3 fingered-hand.
He pickled them in whiskey before he took them to
Sacramento to show Governor.
-
Love got his $1,000 reward plus extra $500 for "Three-Fingered
Jack", plus extra $5,000 for saving California.
The 3 Mexicans who escaped later said that all had
been innocent.
-
The unlovable Love came to a nasty end, you may be
pleased to hear. (A bit like the Sheriff of Nottingham
in the Robin Hood stories).
- Captain
Love settled down to a peaceful home life and beating
his wife. Mrs Love hired a bodyguard who killed Love
in shoot-out in 1868.
-
Whatever happened to the pickled head and hand? They
were put on public display in saloons across California.
They disappeared in 1906 San Francisco earthquake
and fire. We'll never know if "Murieta"
really died at Cantua Creek. It's a history mystery
|
Suffering
sailors
You may think your class teacher is cruel. Do they go dishing
out detentions, giving lashings of lines or lying to your
mum and dad on parents' evening?
Well it could have been worse! You could have been A US sailor.
Here is a list of punishments for misbehaviour of sailors
in the US Navy, 1848 … except for ONE of the following
which is made up. Which one? Can you spot it?
-
For bad cooking: 12 strokes of the whip
-
For stealing a major's wig: 12 strokes
-
For skulking: 12 strokes
-
For tearing a sailor's frock: 9 strokes
-
For filthiness: 12 strokes
-
for kicking the captain's cat. 24 strokes
-
For striking a schoolmaster: 12 strokes
-
For drunkenness and breaking into the liquor store:
12 strokes
-
For noise at bed-time: 6 strokes
-
For bad languages: 12 strokes
-
For dirty and unwashed clothes: 12 strokes
-
For being out of hammock after hours: 12 strokes
-
For taking bread out of oven: 6 strokes
-
For not washing up after meals: 12 strokes
-
For skylarking (running up and down the rigging of
a ship): 6 strokes
-
For being naked on deck: 9 stroke
|
Answer:
Only number 6 is invented. The rest - even number 4! - are
all true
The
Assassination of Lincoln
John Wilkes Booth shot President Lincoln at the Ford Theatre
as the president watched a play. Booth escaped and was later
caught in a shoot-out with soldiers.
BUT … no one was really sure John Wilkes Booth died in
that shoot-out with the army. After his death FORTY people
came forward and claimed they were Booth.
One man (Daniel George) looked a lot like Booth. After Daniel
George's death his corpse was stuffed and taken around carnival
shows.
The US people paid to look at the corpse of "The Man
who Shot Lincoln" - even though he wasn't!
Sick, or what?
The
wild west - Vigilantes
In the West in the late 1800s people made their own law and
order by forming their own gangs - they called these gangs
"vigilantes" and said they were legal. They weren't.
Slayed by Slade
Some people didn't bother forming a vigilante group. They
just got a few mates and set off on a revenge mission. That's
what Jack Slade did …
|
In
1858, Jack Slade accused Jules Bene of stealing his horse
and shooting him five times. Slade recovered and set out
to get Bene. |
|
Slade
with some outlaw pals caught Bene, tied him to a tree
and used his arms and legs for pistol practice, before
they finally killed him. |
|
Slade
cut off one of Bene's ears and used it to decorate his
watch chain. |
|
Slade
tried to settle down as rancher but was told to leave
by Montana vigilantes. |
|
Slade
refused and was hanged. |
Vigilante arrests Slade and points to watch fob
| Vigilante:
You killed Jules Bene and the proof is right ear!
|
|
In
1880s vigilantes in Montana were still active. "Stuarts'
Stranglers" lynched 35 rustlers and robbers. Many
photos still exist showing groups of vigilantes proudly
grouped around gallows with their victims dangling behind
them. |
Prohibition
The US tried to ban alcohol in the 1920s - a time they called
"The Prohibition". Newspaper stories said that drinking
was dangerous. Here is one sensational report …
Drunkard's
dreadful Death!
Yesterday Jedediah Willis (67) was found dead in his
home in Virginia. His daughter left him drinking whiskey
in front of the fire and heard his cries. When she ran
into the room she saw him lying scorched on the floor.
Smoke poured from every entrance to his body!
Jedediah's preacher said, "This is a warning to
all drinkers of what is waiting for them in Hell!"
This frightening report follows other stories like the
one about a doctor who held a candle close to the brain
of a dead drunkard … and the brain caught fire!
|
People
opposed to drink went around performing songs in theatres.
There was a mixture of comic songs and songs against drinking.
Here are two …
"Smick!
Smack! Smuck!"
I
loved a maid long years ago,
A queerer girl no one can show,
She had a wart upon her nose,
And eyes that looked just like a crow's,
She had a weakness, I must say,
For she was kissing all the day,
She'd kiss at morn, she'd kiss at noon, She'd kiss from
July up to June.
Face to face, and nose to nose, Smick, Smack, Smuck,
and away she goes;
Lay her eyebrow on your collar, Hug her so that she
can't holler,
Tell her that you're always true, Squeeze her 'till
her face turns blue,
Keep it up for fifteen hours, Then begin anew.
|
The
Drunkard's daughter - a quiz
Take the carefully chosen words - chosen for their links to
misery - and slot them into the gaps in the song …
|
Out
in the street with ……,
I see the drunkard's … daughter.
Her …… was … and small,
She knew very little for no one had taught her.
She
softly said, "We have ……,
No … to keep the fire burning!"
The child was …, the wind so …,
Her thin …… to … was turning.
Asleep,
…, as cold as …,
Where no dear parent ever sought her,
In … sheet of … and …
We found the drunkard's …daughter!
|
- 1
Get in these pictures of the child …
thin, naked feet, little, tattered shawl,
-
Get in a few "hard" words …
ice wood stone funeral
-
A couple of "feel-bad" words …
no bread, lifeless ill alone
-
And always use "cold" words …
cold blood sleet snow chill
|
Answer:
Out in the street with naked feet
I see the drunkard's little daughter.
Her tattered shawl was thin and small,
She knew very little for no one had taught her.
She
softly said, "We have no bread,
No wood to keep the fire burning!"
The child was ill, the wind so chill,
Her thin cold blood to ice was turning.
Asleep,
alone, as cold as stone,
Where no dear parent ever sought her,
In funeral sheet of snow and sleet
We found the drunkard's lifeless daughter!
|
Sad
songs
The US has written some of the worst songs in the history
of music. Here is a delightful ditty from Mr J P Skelly …
Poor
little Nellie is weeping tonight,
Thinking of days that were full of delight.
Lonely she sits by the old kitchen grate
Sighing for mother but now it's too late!
Under the daisies now covered with snow,
Rests the fond mother away from life's woe.
Nellie is left now to murmur and weep,
"Why did they dig Ma's grave so deep?"
|
So
bad … it's good!
|
